May 28

May 28 Everyday Things Characters Never Deal With

Many of the day-to-day things we have to do in our daily lives aren’t things that ever cross your character’s mind. Your hero is usually too busy hunting and slaughtering monsters to worry about sending flowers to their mom, eating healthy, or watering the flowers. Even the mundane tasks that the characters need to do regularly are glossed over, and we assume they are taken care of on downtime days. You’ll need to have a blacksmith pound out those dents made by that frost giant’s fists or your sword sharpened as it got a little dull from rightfully slaughtering the neogi, and we take for granted that these things automatically happen.

Now some many items in our daily lives don’t apply to our fantasy world. The great wizard Bob doesn’t have to worry about charging his phone, filling the gas tank, or taking the kids to school. On the flip side, we don’t have to worry about hordes of demons rising from the abyss or fireball spells. But there are some things in life that we cannot avoid doing, no matter how hard we try. So below is a list of 20 things characters don’t have to deal with but probably should.

Getting sick. You don’t have to worry about the sniffles or a sore throat, only diseases with wonderful names like Cackle Fever, Sewer Plague, and Death Rot. Besides, who has time to be sick when you have monsters to kill?
Making breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but does anyone ever take the time to eat a nutritious meal of eggs, bacon, toast, and fresh fruit? Nope, you're always throwing on your armor and rushing off to slaughter a tribe of kobolds.
Brushing your teeth. Oral hygiene is abysmal. One could only hope that your party’s Bard packed his toothbrush.
And no, prestidigitation will not work on your teeth.
Buying new shoes. Now buying shoes isn’t a big deal for me, but it is for my wife and daughter. I am constantly amazed at how many Zappos boxes arrive at my house regularly. And guess who gets to return said boxes when none of the shoes are to their liking?
Me.
I’m always putting them back in the correct boxes, loading them all into one huge box, printing the return labels, sealing the boxes, and driving to the UPS store. Each Zappos box is approximately one hour of my life I’ll never get back.
Of course, I’m only brave enough to say this because I know my wife doesn’t read my articles.
Working in an Office. I would rather die a thousand painful deaths at the hands of a lich than be trapped in a cubicle for 20 years.
Washing the dishes. Unless you’re in a tavern or a magnificent mansion, there’s always a mess to clean up after a long rest. No one ever puts out the campfire, picks up the trash, or, god forbid, washes the dishes you eat on. There is no such thing as sanitary conditions when it comes to food preparation or equipment.
Yeah, yeah, I know everyone eats prepared rations, but let’s be honest. No one keeps track of how much food they have, so let’s assume when you’re traveling through the woods, you’ll have to hunt or fish for your meal at night. Unless you are a complete heathen who eats with their hands (hello barbarians), that starting equipment you buy will be used in preparing your meal. That, in turn, means there will be things to clean up. If you don’t, you may attract an owlbear that smells leftovers.
Visiting your In-laws. I actually like my in-laws, so this isn’t a big deal for me. Getting married is rare in the game, and way too many player’s parents died in some horrible tragedy that drives them to become a great hero, so seeing one’s in-laws may be impossible.
Go on vacation. The life of an adventurer never stops. You’re always rushing off to save the world or slay the dragon, but shouldn’t you take some time for yourself? There has to be a small tropical island somewhere in your world, so why not take a week and soak in some rays. Self-care is important, people!
Having a baby. Do you really want to bring a child into a world filled with mad wizards, evil giants, and mind flayers?
Changing your underwear. Does Maria the monk really own one pair of underwear? Sure prestidigitation can clean your skivvies every day, but you’ll want to make sure that you remember to do it daily. Just think of how embarrassed your mother would be if you die in battle with dirty underwear on.
Feeding the dog. Pets and animal companions have been in the game for a while, but they have picked up steam in the last few years. Everyone seems to want one, but how many of you are responsible pet owners?
Your faithful companion needs to be fed, taken for walks, and loved. Letting it run wild through the forest and dungeon isn’t being a good owner. Do you expect it to hunt for itself, or do you plan and buy food for them before setting off on your next adventure? Have you ever bought a chew toy for them to enjoy during your long rest? I’m willing to bet the answer is no. You expect it to fetch you your arrows, catch your dinner, and run into danger to provide you with advantage, so you might want to give them a snack now and then.
Going to the dentist for a check-up. Why bother, since you don’t brush your teeth?
Waiting for the repairman. You don’t have the time to wait around for the plumber to show up, especially since they always arrive at the end of the two-hour window.
Getting a haircut. It’s a little shocking that there are no barbers/stylists in our fantasy world. Most people have character pictures to go along with their profiles now, and there are hairstyles from braids down to one’s waist to purple and red mohawks. Are we supposed to believe that you can do that all by yourself using a dagger?
Bedhead. Your hairbrush is probably sitting next to the toothbrush you also forgot.
Going to sleep at a reasonable time. Do you even know what time you go to bed? No one wears a watch, and you only judge the time of day by whether the sun is shining or the moon is out. Even then, those of you who dumped Intelligence may not even know.
If you think it’s hard to tell time outside, wait until you’re in the depths of some dungeon. I’m not sure about your campaign, but it seems like we either want to take a long rest two hours after our previous one because we got our asses kicked by some Gith or forget about it until the DM warns us about potential exhaustion.
Hitting the snooze button. See above.
Mowing the Lawn. Honestly, I’d rather solo fight a pissed-off Dragon Turtle than mow the lawn.
Taxes - Finally, a world where life, death, and taxes aren’t the only three guarantees in life!
Of course, given your line of work, not to mention your lifestyle, painful and horrific death is almost a certainty.
In the 1st edition, it was possible to impose taxes upon your subjects as there was a genuine chance that you could own a castle and land. At higher levels, characters were encouraged to spend all the gold they had pillaged to buy land and build a place they could call home. Now, the only way to pay for the henchmen you hired to maintain your abode, pay the soldiers that help you “acquire” more land, and buy all the fancy furniture needed to decorate your home was by taxing the locals. So taxes were once a thing, but you were the one collecting the money, not paying it.
Going to the bathroom. Everyone poops.

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