Spell-jinks
I've been working on a new book of magic items that we'll (hopefully) release sometime in 2026. The magic items will have backgrounds and/or stories with, let's say, a sarcastic tone. I dislike the dry, boring information found in the DMG, and you're lucky if you even get that. From the 4th edition to the present, magic item descriptions are incredibly dull. Magic items, especially very rare, legendary, and artifacts, should have more than a single line or paragraph for history before diving into the mechanics. Here's a part of a story as an example of what I'm trying to accomplish.
The final product? A spellbook that looked legit—until some poor mage tried casting Blink. They didn't teleport away from the troll bearing down on them, but instead started to blink furiously. As they lost sight of the troll, the mage realized that something was seriously wrong with the book he cast the spell from. That worry didn't last long, as he was quickly ripped to shreds.
Was it irresponsible? Oh, absolutely.
Was it hilarious? Depends on who you ask.
Would it get you set on fire by an angry mob of wizards who didn't appreciate the joke? Almost certainly.
But that's the thing about mischief—it's only fun until someone loses their eyebrows. Or their dignity. Or, in some cases, their life.
Use with caution. Or don't.
The above item is the Spellbook of Mischief (working title). It is a collection of spells that twist existing spells into something different. The guiding principle is that the name of the spell is relatively the same, but the effect is something quite different. This spellbook is meant to be a practical joke upon those who take the practice of magic (and themselves) too seriously. Some of these new spells are whimsical, some prankish, and a few can be deadly. Whenever you attempt to cast or copy a spell from this spellbook, you must make a DC 20 Arcana check. The spell you assume you are learning is in parentheses. If you fail the check, the changes to the spell go unnoticed. Even a success doesn't mean you'll know what's really going on with the spell, as you find the irregularity, but you will not know what effect it will have, if any, on the spell.
In an effort to gather feedback and improve, I present to you some spells I am currently working on. Be gentle, as they are works in progress, so the wording needs to be tightened up and clarified a bit.
Aide (Aid)
2nd level Conjuration
Casting Time: Action
Range: 30 feet
Components: V, S, M (tiny strip of white cloth)
Duration:8 hours
You gain the service of a personal aide de camp, a small humanoid that the DM chooses: goblin, gnome, halfling, or kobold Your aide always speaks at least one of the same languages as you. Your aide obeys your commands, but the DM determines its personality, which may cause it to question you, mutter under its breath, be over-eager, or exhibit any other personality for laws and boons.
You can verbally command the aide to perform simple tasks that a humanoid servant could do, such as delivering messages, cleaning, running errands, washing and folding clothes, reviewing documents, and preparing meals. Once you give the command, the servant performs the task to the best of its ability until it is completed. Once the task is completed and no other commands are given, the aide follows you until a new command is given.
An aide will not engage in combat. When initiative is rolled, the aide immediately takes the Dash action and flees the location, only returning when combat has ended and it is safe to do so. At the end of the duration of the spell, the aide wanders off aimlessly and ignores any additional commands.
Bigby's Middle Finger (Bigby's Hand)
5th level evocation
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 60 feet (20 ft radius)
Components: V, S, M (an eggshell and a snakeskin glove)
Duration: Instantaneous
You create a Large hand with its middle finger outstretched, made of shimmering, translucent force in an unoccupied space that you can see within range. Choose up to five creatures within a 20-foot radius of the hand. Each creature must make a Wisdom saving throw or become enraged. On their next turn, a target must use their Action to make a melee attack against the closest creature to them, and can not use their Bonus Action or Reaction until the end of their next turn.
Catnip (Catnap)
3rd level enchantment
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 30 feet
Components: S, M (a pinch of sand)
Duration: 10 minutes.
All feline creatures within a 30-foot radius of each creature begin to feel strange and disoriented. Each feline creature must make a Wisdom saving throw or become affected by it. An affected target must roll a d6 to determine its behavior for the duration of the spell.
Wide Eyed. The creature is hyper-aware of its surroundings and can not be Surprised.
Paranoid. Seeing things that aren't there, the creatures has Disadvantage on all ability checks.
Dazed and Confused. The creature has the Prone condition and remains prone for the duration.
Passed out. The creature is under the effects of a Sleep spell.
Speedy. The creature can run like the wind, and its Speed increases by 10 feet.
Expeditious Defeat (Expeditious Retreat)
1st level Transmutation
Casting Time: Bonus Action
Range: Self
Components: V, S
Duration: Concentration, up to 1 minute
When you cast this spell, you have the Prone condition, falling on your knees in front of the closest enemy and beg for mercy. The creature must make a Wisdom saving throw. On a failure, the target stops attacking you and stares at you with a combination of disgust, a slight bit of confusion, and just a tiny bit of empathy because of how pathetic you are. The creature has the Incapacited condition until the spell ends or until you or your allies damage it.
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Art Credit - Ben Wootten
