How to Make Friends and Succeed at Your Persuasion Check
Ellowyn looked fondly at the restless huddle of children in front of him. He had agreed to take a hand in their education, so told tales and parables to them in the local tavern. As he tapped his pipe, they quickly fell silent. He may no longer be able to hold a true note, as he had once done in front of the king’s court, but he could still weave a tale and capture an audience.
“Needing more protection for his travels to the nearby town, one day Bors spent a tidy sum to purchase two large healthy wolfhounds. Both hounds were brave and strong and clever, easy to train, and he named them Lupin and Ferris. There was only one problem though, the hounds would bicker and fight. This was not just the fighting that happens between friends, because we all fight from time to time, but the hounds would claw and bite and tear shreds from one another, and Bors would often have to jump in to stop them doing serious damage to one another. One day, Bors took the two hounds out to the woods. He kept walking, deep into the woods until finally he found what he was looking for. Seeing the tracks of a bear, Bors would normally know well enough to travel around the area, but this time he headed straight in, and sure enough he heard a low growl. The large black bear raised up on its hind legs and growled all the louder as the hounds started barking fiercely. Bors released Ferris, who bounded forward to confront the bear, snapping and snarling. The bear retaliated by swiping his claws and trying to bite the agile hound. It seemed for a time that they were evenly matched, but eventually the bear managed to land a heavy blow on Ferris’ side. Yelping, thrown to the side, Ferris quickly returned to his feet, but he was limping and his agility was failing him. Bors knew that the time was right and only now released the eager Lupin. Jumping into the fray, the other hounds surprised the monstrous beast and managed to score a bite, taking a chunk of fur from the bear’s side. Ferris now saw his opportunity and snapped to the bear’s right, barely missing taking a bite from the bear’s shoulder. Roaring in pain, the bear swiped left and right before turning and running. Calling them to him, Bors petted both of them and started to treat Ferris’ wounds. From that day on, the hounds were like brothers. Still fighting occasionally, but now never with the hatred Bors had seen before.”
There’s been a lot written about the damaging effects of loneliness, especially with the pandemic putting many people and countries in lockdown. It is estimated that it can lower a person’s life expectancy by up to 15 years and be equivalent to obesity or smoking 15 cigarettes a day (1). I am sure that you have also heard it said how much more difficult it is for adults to make friends: because we’re busy, because we’re set in our ways, because we’re much worse at making ourselves vulnerable to one another, and because making really good friends takes time and effort. Truth be told, it’s not easy for many children either, and I was one of those children. I was fortunate to always have one or two really close friends, but I was always the socially awkward one. I was both a nerd and had parents from China/ Hong Kong and so I felt very culturally misplaced. I see the same in many children and I believe that it’s on the rise. Social awkwardness can often be as a result of being on the Autistic spectrum, or having Asperger’s syndrome, and the research shows us that this is also on the rise (2). Added to this, I believe that other factors like increased screen time, busier parents, more one-child families, more fragmented communities, as well as a host of other reasons, all contribute to an increased number of children struggling socially.
Me at Spring Harvest, Skegness 2006
So how do we help?
I am not saying that Dungeons and Dragons or other Tabletop Roleplaying games are a fix-all, or the only way for children and adults to make friends, I think that any hobby where people can share a passion is good for this. I am saying that TTRPGs are a very good way and there are many reasons why friends made through TTRPGs have a greater depth than others and I am going to talk about these below.
1. Doing stuff together can cut out the small talk
As I mentioned, I was a very awkward teenager, but I had a breakthrough when I met my friend Steve. We would go away together on Christian camps. Meeting lots of new people was quite awkward, and to this day, whilst I have got much better at it, I think like many people, I don’t relish small talk. Steve was much more confident than me, but he used a trick to get to know people. He would always have a pack of cards on him and he would start a game called Chor Dai Di (translated: Big 2) with anyone he could find. He usually did it to get to know the prettiest girl on the camp, but since you need four people to play a proper game, I was his partner in crime and very happy to help. Playing the game meant that we could focus on the play, but also have a laugh with the luck of the cards, or the silly tactics. I always loved to end in a flourish with the single two of spades (the highest card in the game) followed by the three of diamonds (the lowest card). It became my signature move and there were a number of other tricks we added to show our strategy and style of play. Then, even if it was just chatting about the games, the ice had been broken and conversations flowed.
Dungeons and Dragons takes this one step further. Whilst the players can focus on the mechanics of the game, they also put themselves into the shoes of their character and imagine how their character would behave. A normally shy person might often put themselves in the role of a charismatic hero. I’m sure like most people, I often dreamt of being a brave knight and a fearsome warrior. I grew up on tales of the Knights of the Round Table, and putting myself in their shoes, I could boldly speak their words of duty, honour, nobility and courage. As these characters, I could interact with NPCs and my fellow party members with the confidence that I could never muster outside the game, and as such could express feelings that also couldn’t have easily been expressed in the real world. On top of this, as the Dungeon Master, I had to play ALL the characters. I had to get into the mindset of all the monsters and NPCs, and this gave me insight into how people interacted, I learned to understand other people’s emotions and in turn gave me a huge amount of confidence. This remains as true as an adult as when I was a boy, and the many social psychologists’ testimonies seem to back up how therapeutic it can be, but I’ll return to that later
2. Intense shared experience binds people together
When I was in my mid-twenties, I would volunteer at some large conferences during my holidays. It was quite therapeutic in their own way. Rather than emotionally and mentally draining work as a young teacher learning how to manage teenagers, all I had to do was to move chairs all day, hand out flyers, man fire exits and show people to their seats. It could be very busy at times, and also exhausting, but because of the intense nature of having put out thousands of chairs between seminars, it meant that the camaraderie amongst the stewards was amazing. Tiring as it was, spirits would be high, some of us would sing at times, and I remain life-long friends with some people from those conferences. The intense experiences meant that bonding with others was so much quicker in those few days than people who I worked alongside for years.
Ellowyn’s story of the two wolves is an example of that kind of bonding experience, and has been told a many times by the testimony of unbreakable bonds of soldiers who have fought together. Now, of course, the idea that people playing Dungeons and Dragons can recreate the same intense situations as soldiers in real combat is laughable, but these are shared experiences with intense situations all the same. I was listening to a recent podcast interviewing Dr Megan Connell, who spoke about using D&D to improve mental health (3); she spoke about how players would talk about past campaigns and epic moments, and they would talk as if they had lived those moments. They would NOT be talking about what their characters had done, but what THEY had done. They had those shared experiences, they had worked as a team, they had healed, or saved, or set each other up, made that final epic killing blow, not their characters. Having shared those intense experiences they had created bonds; bonds that are often much stronger and deeper than just casual friends who enjoy one another’s company every once in a while, or people who play golf together once a week.
3. Sharing a good roleplaying experience can make us vulnerable
Source - Lord of the RIngs, The Two Towers (2002)
In the same interview with Dr. Connell (link below, well worth a listen), she talks about players being able to take more significant risks because it is not them who fail, but rather their character. This is true for both combat - the times I have seen a character recklessly charge in without thought is bewildering and a little frustrating - but also in roleplay.
Even when I was a shy nerdy teenager who cared a lot more about combat and strategy than I do now, I appreciated the roleplay parts and opportunities in a more extended campaign. Whether it was haggling to get a better price on an item, or trying to ask around for rumors, or trying to avoid getting arrested by the guard, I saw it as a vital part of the game. In an extended campaign, a pure dungeon hack can be very dull, and without those times for roleplay, the whole campaign becomes immersion breaking. Even then, I loved seeing my players find a smart way to avoid combat by negotiating or some other roleplay. Now, I see far more people being drawn into the game through watching streaming games, where the interest in the game is much more about the roleplay than the strategy. I must confess that when I watch most of these streams, the player's inability to implement the most straightforward strategy makes me want to pull my hair out. Taking risks with roleplay helps players experience deeper emotions, make themselves vulnerable, and live vicariously through the character. They also gain the opportunity to explore many possible outcomes without fear of real-world rejection, ridicule, or humiliation. It is increasingly recognized that vulnerability is not something that we, especially men, are good at. It is one of the main reasons why suicide and mental health issues are more prevalent among men. I believe that the importance of showing vulnerability in forming close friendships is not spoken about enough. (4)
As I mentioned in my previous article about D&D teaching morals, and something I want to explore more in a future article, you often get a snapshot of a player's innermost thoughts, feelings, and aspects of their character. By watching a player being put into all sorts of situations, such as the threat of (fictional) death, joking and having fun, getting annoyed, etc., you will see so much more of these people you are playing with than just talking to them casually than in almost any other setting. Making ourselves vulnerable, and seeing the vulnerability of others, not only deepens our understanding of one another, and thereby strengthening relationships, it makes our sympathetic, protective instincts kick in, which in turn increases those bonds.
Now, I know that what I am speaking about is just what I observe, and my take on how to make better friendships. While I see a lot of children interacting socially and would like to think of myself as a keen observer of life, I am no expert. I would encourage you to listen to trained and experienced psychologists to confirm these things, and if you are one, then please do chime in whether you agree with my assessment. At a positive school conference, I went to a few years ago, one of the keynote speakers impressed me (not easy to do)—two abiding things stuck with me from what she said. The first was that the most significant factor in a child's mental well-being was their friendships. She then said that as educators, there's only so much we can do about that, but then she said that the biggest thing that schools can do for a student's well-being was to give them a sense of belonging. Friendships ARE so meaningful, but as that speaker said, there's only so much we can do about that for other people. We cannot make our players or fellow party members be friends. Helping them to feel part of the group is something we can do something about.
So, what can we do as Dungeon Masters and Games Masters to encourage friendships and feel part of our groups?
Here are a few ideas:
Talk to your players, especially the quieter ones. Find out whether they are enjoying the game and what they enjoy.
Try to encourage them (gently) to participate. Encourage roleplaying. Try and gear some situations where the quieter shyer ones have something valuable to contribute and so feel as if they have helped the party succeed.
Allow and encourage banter at the table. Please don't get so caught up in making sure that the game is flowing as not to allow them to have their fun with teasing or joking with each other, as long as everyone is enjoying themselves.
Put a stop to destructive players who will target other players (stealing from them, PVP, not healing), especially if the target is sensitive. Arguments can be useful for teambuilding, but you are going to have to gauge the seriousness of the discussion and the maturity of the players.
Encourage team bonding. Perhaps a team name. Help them to see the value of each team member. Actively work on praising the shy ones. (I know that as a British person, we are not very good at praising people. I had to learn the hard way when I became a teacher.)
I know that a lot of these points sound like simple teambuilding strategies, but few great teams aren't built on mutual respect, if not deep bonds of friendship. I have no doubt that I will return to these points about team building, but for now, as Cody from Taking 20 always ends his videos with, "May your games be filled with awesome memories, and even better friends."
Tarryn timed it perfectly to set a beer at Ellowyn's side, and he smiled as he watched the children running back to their parents. It was so easy to predict the emotions of the little ones, and he loved that they sighed, gasped, and laughed at all the right points in his tales. He loved how they were so keen to tell him what they had learned from his tales and how bright and sharp they were. He sat back in his chair to enjoy his beer and the fire, and he let himself drift into his memories of Bors and his two wolfhounds. He remembered their many adventures together. He remembered those magnificent hounds, how they had saved the party many times, and finally how they had fought together with him to the end, refusing to leave his body as the rest of the party made their escape. The best parables he told the children he had learned from bitter experience.
If you would like to hear more of Dr. Megan Connell's wisdom, you can find her YouTube series called Psychology at the Table on the Geeks Like Us channel. (5)
As a mathematician, I am well aware that my opinions and even observations are from a tiny sample group, not to mention personal experience and anecdotes. This is why this is an opinion piece. I hope that much of it chimes true with your experiences too. I would love to hear about your stories and your opinions, especially if you disagree.
Many thanks,
Sam, The Educational DM
Twitter: @DMEducational
Facebook: Educational DM (@DmEducational)
Loneliness Is Harmful to Our Nation's Health
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/loneliness-is-harmful-to-our-nations-health/
The Real Reasons Autism Rates Are Up in the US.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-real-reasons-autism-rates-are-up-in-the-u-s/
Dr. Megan Connell is Using D&D to Help Improve Mental Health Roll for Persuasion https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/interview-w-dr-megan-connell/id1483558417?i=1000459388741
Vulnerability: The Key to Close Relationships
https://www.heysigmund.com/vulnerability-the-key-to-close-relationships/
Psychology at the Table YouTube series by Dr. Megan Connell https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL2IRUzcSUyX0yCWc4P2nyOvgvdwFPl8HM
Header Art Credit - ABCs of D&D (Dungeons & Dragons Children's Book) 2018
